"Don't be ashamed of your story, it may inspire someone else." That quote hit me hard. During the physical abusive years, I felt alone, scared, I was the only one being abused, betrayed, and heartbroken, I could go on and on. Even after my abuser brutally beat me while pregnant I went into a state of shock. A secret I held in for all these years was just made public on the news and in papers, colleagues, neighbors and friends all now know my "secret." My next thought was-- what do I do now?
Everyone was telling me their opinions, what I should or shouldn't do. A judge gave me a PFA that said 'no signs of abuse on it.' He questioned why he was even giving it to me. The judge only gave it to me, not to my daughter or unborn child. I knew who I was up against. I knew the family I was dealing with. I knew better than anyone what it was like to be beaten, police show and do nothing because of who my abuser and his family was. I was in fear of what they could and would do to me if I went against them. I foolishly agreed to marriage counseling, allowed him to be there when my son was born to avoid the court process. I thought - "maybe if he gets help, everything will change and be good. He knows what he did and it will change for the better." I was naive, I was blind to what a narcissistic abuser is capable of, I didn't want to believe I was a "victim." In time, I realized- abusers don't change. Ever. But, I could change. I could change my life for better or worse. I won't sit here and say my life is perfect, but it is so much better. I don't have to patch holes in my walls, cover bruises, come up with excuses for why I can't go out. I now have a smile I haven't seen in a long time. I made the decision to leave, it's been an expensive court battle, one in which I can't wait to be done paying for- but I know it is also a process.
For me, I feel this lump on my head every day, every time I brush or wash my hair. It is a reminder of the pain I endured not just that January 2, 2016 night, but every year I was with him, how it wasn't love, wasn't a marriage, I was just barely surviving. I didn't want that lump to be a memory of pain and hurt, I realized how many women are out there in the same situation. One in three. Think about that number, 1 in 3. Odds are someone in your family, or a friend is also being abused. The reality hit me that since everything about my life was in the news, why not turn it around for some good, show my kids to take a negative and turn it into a positive. That's why I created the Danielle Krout & Family Domestic Violence Awareness Fund. Everything about that fund is about paying it forward to those who helped me along the way. That was how I healed. Don't get me wrong, I was angry, hurt... physically and mentally but the only one it was hurting was me, not my abuser. I let it go. It felt like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and that's when my life took a change. I use my story to help others. I have accepted that my abuser will never take responsibility for his actions, that is not my problem, it is his. I also understood this principle: I am not responsible for someone else's actions. I didn't ask to be abused, I didn't deserve it and it is not my problem, it is his.
You can't control everything in life, but you can control how you feel and react to abuse. I may never get justice here on Earth for the crimes he committed against me
and in some ways continues to commits against myself and others. However, come Judgement Day, I like to think there's only some things God can forgive and that is my justice. Let it go, enjoy what you can control and the moments in the day, otherwise it just passes you by.